Forever Young

This commercial pisses me off in ways that were hitherto unknown to me. At first, the only thing that really got me was how they were comparing Bob Dylan: poetical mastermind iconic rebel genius with Will.i.am: One of those guys from the Black Eyed Peas. What follows is an exercise in pedantic pointlessness but I feel inclined to do it anyways. Let's compare some of the things that these two fine gentlemen have said,


Dylan: "Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people they're all drinkin' thinkin' that they got it made. Exchanging precious gifts you'd better take a diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe. You used to be so amused by Napoleon in rags and the language that he used. Go to him now you can't refuse, when you ain't got nothing you got nothing to lose"


Will.i.am. : "Baby, where'd you get yo body from? Tell me where'd you get yo body from. Baby, where'd you get yo body from? Tell me where'd you get yo body from. I got it from my mama"


Dylan: "To her, death is quite romantic. She wears an iron vest. Her profession's her religion. Her sin is her lifelessness. And though her eyes are fixed upon Noah's great rainbow. She spends her time peeking into Desolation Row."


Will.i.am: "look out where its at I know karma's coming to pay me back. I'm with the sweetest thang that's on the map. I broke her heart in 30 seconds flat. In 30 seconds flat. Now how did I just how did I become that kind of guy to look at girl and lie right in the eye my momma told me willy that ain't right boy now that ain't right"


Dylan: "In the dime stores and bus stations, People talk of situations, Read books, repeat quotations, Draw conclusions on the wall. Some speak of the future, My love she speaks softly, She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."


That's enough of that, quite obviously Will.i.am is inferior in every way imaginable to Dylan. Anyone who doesn't agree with me can kindly go to an artillery range and stand right beside the guns while they go off causing you to suffer sever hearing damage because you don't deserve your ears. Also: Maybe go stand in front of the guns too.

Anyways, that was just the first part I didn't like. The more I watch the commercial the more is wrong about it. The basic message stated at the very end is "Hey, look guys, every generation does their own thing differently and this keeps the world new and exciting and interesting". They try to show this visually by juxtaposing "then and now" images of various things.

Image 1: Then- Dylan putting on sunglasses.

Now- Will.i.am. putting on sunglasses.
How is copying something that someone did roughly 40 years ago original fresh and new?

Image 2: Then - Man coming back from Army picks up girl in arms and twirls around.

Now - THE SAME FUCKING THING.

What the fuck guys? War is not a good thing, war is not 'fresh' picking up your daughter and spinning is what EVERY SOLDIER EVER HAS DONE. War is not 'refreshing'. Seriously Pepsi, do your advertisement people actually think these things through.

Image 3: Then - Skateboarder does a trick

Now - Skateboarder does the same trick but is wearing fuckloads more safety equipment.

Apparently 'refreshing the world' means 'doing exactly the same thing as 30 years ago but with a much less chance of actually hurting myself because pain is bad you guys'. Has everyone's balls dropped off since the seventies?

Image 4: Then - Bruce Lee does martial arts

Now - Some random girl I don't know does martial arts.

This is the first image that actually shows progress. Men and Women are now more equal than they ever have been before. This is supergood stuff. Back in Bruce's day it wouldave been pretty taboo for a woman to do martial arts much less actually get good at it and be able to kick any guys ass. Kudos Pepsi, you're 1/4 so far

Image 5: Then - Lighters held up at a concert

Now - Cell phones held up at a concert

I'm not sure what to think on this one. Are they commenting on how less people smoke? Are they commenting on how much we've developed our technology? It really doesn't matter because holding a cell up at a concert makes you look like a fucking tool. Please don't ever do it. You wouldn't open up a cellphone and put it in your window for a soldier away at war would you? No, no you fucking wouldn't. Cellphones do not equal fire

Image 6 : This one does Dylan and Willy again, just in case you forgot who was singing cause whoah! They're about to switch singers, crazy! Also: Frickin' retarded. This is where the commercial really starts going downhill

Image 7: Then- Surfer on small waves.

Now - Surfer on large waves.

Ummm. I guess we do things bigger now? Or, y'know... maybe they didn't have cameras that were waterproof so all the footage from then had to be taken from the shore where the waves are much smaller?

Image 8: Then: A whole bunch of kids piling into a dirty dishevelled looking hippievan that they most likely all pitched in together to buy so that they could hit the road at any time and see the world around them and just be free.

Now - A whole bunch of kids pile out of what looks to be a fucking Cadillac Escalade (could be wrong, I suck at cars). Most likely bought for one of those snobby rich fucks by their parents because hell, I need a nice car to go down to the beach and sit around all day because LETS ALL HAVE NICE THINGS WITHOUT DOING ANY GODDAMNED WORK.

I think the descriptions of the videos sums up my opinions on those two quite nicely.

Image 9: Then - Guy spraypaints peace sign on the wall

Now - Guy spraypaints peace sign on significantly nicer wall

This one I actually like. It shows how graffiti has come to be accepted as an artform rather than simpleminded vandalism. You're now 2/9 Pepsi.

Image 10 : Then - Gumby

Now - Shrek

You just picked two arbitray iconic kids figures. The only thing they have in common is that they're green. And Gumby is better anyhow (Thanks only to MST3K).

Image 11: Then - Joliet 'Jake' Blues (Aka John Belushi) dancing

Now - Jack Black dancing.

Don't get me wrong, I like Jack Black but musically, comedically, aesthetically, any-ically he has absolutly nothing on John Belushi. Blues Brothers > Tenacious D, Animal House > Any movie Jack Black will has ever made or will ever make

Image 12: Then - People in swimsuits dancing

Now - Some guy breakdancing with a group of people around him not dancing

So what you're saying is that dancing has evolved into something that only one person can do at a time while everyone else has to watch?

Image 13 : Then - A protest (although I have thoughts that this might be JFK's inaugeration)

Now - A protest ( or some other presidents inaugeration)

So, people are still protesting/becoming president. There's nothing refreshing in that. Only frustrating that after so long so many of the same things are still so very wrong in this world.

Image 14: Then - A girl drinking pepsi with a straw

Now - A girl drinking pepsi out of a can

This one's put in here so that you don't forget through all the nostalgia that HEY! Pepsi has been with us through all those new exciting and refreshing times.

Also, the fact that the 'Then' girl is using a straw and the 'Now' girl isnt leads me to believe that girls nowadays do all of their sucking somewhere else.


PS - I hate my generation and how corporatism long ago seized anything 'good' for their own nefarious money making purposes and then bastardized it all into a pile of utter shit and now buries anything remotely good, inventive, ingenious or refreshing under it so that you have to go digging through giant piles of mediocre to mind-numbingly bad crap just to find anything worthwhile and meaningful. Case in point: Conor Oberst.