Monday, July 20, 2009

Vegan Meegan the Lippy Hippie Redux

Based entirely on a true story and only the hardest of real life factoids.

The big business economy was riding a bubble when it suddenly burst and turned all into rubble. All things were chaos, no one was safe, not even the big boss. The job market collapsed with no hope for relapse.

Just a moment too late - as if orchestrated by fate - Vegan Meegan went to the bank and what she found out made her want to shank, for you see faithful reader, Meegan's money was to feed her but she had none and would need a job - perhaps a Wal-Mart Greeter?

She looked high and low and left and right, up and down, she'd search till night. Unfortunately jobs were tight, they all turned her down, filling her with spite,

"I've had quite enough of all this trite. Will I ever rise above this plight?"

She kept up with her daily marches, continued with the mundane searches, till she found herself at the Golden Arches.

"A job's a job" and she swallowed her pride - even entering the place made her want to hide. Over the counter she spied where they deep-fried and would normally have cried but it was held back with more force than she'd ever tried.

"Ah, excuse me... I would like a job", she asked the manager (incidentally named Rob). He was a bit of a slob and was crude like Jayne Cobb. Shaking Meegan's hand, he said "You've got the job!"

She let out a sob.

Two weeks then passed. They went quite fast. In McUniform she was dressed thusly leaving her repressed. Neither lippy nor hippie are on the McMenu - vegan has no place at this particular venue. 'Twas void of witty retorts - only full of fat kids that ought to be playing sports.

Atop the playhouse castle where the kids all play, sat a clown chuckling at Meegan's dismay whilst watching the children - his favorite prey. He had created this job market slump, to force Meegan to work in his dump. She was the last that could oppose his empire. She knew his flaws - that he was a liar. With her out of the way he could aspire to acquire what he truly desired: a seat atop the world, a kingly spire.

He tried to crush Meegan's spirit, he wanted it done lickety split, so he made her deal with only the grossest shit. Quickly her spirit would break, 'till finally there wasn't a single thing more she could take. Just as she began wanting to cry and die she looked up high to the sky and out of the corner of her eye, thought she saw something fly by.

Behind her it landed with such a terrible thud that Ronald fell from his play palace (the lousy skud). Meegan spun 'round, to observe the terrible sound and what she found stood nine feet tall with angry eyes straight from hell, yes dear reader, 'twas Robot Oliver Cromwell. Ronald went pale, his face turned sick, he turned and ran quick - for you see dear reader, Ronald McDonald was an Irish Catholic.

Meegan asked Cromwell with glee, "Why so suddenly have you saved me?" and Cromwell said, "I'm your spirit keeper, with you I'll always be, that's a guarantee. Also: I needed to finish my killing spree".

"You'll have to go through me" said Rob, proud to defend his store. All the employees were ready to defend... but what for? Ronald McDonald had brainwashed them, made them McWhores. This would be a fight full of gore.

Meegan let out a primal hippie scream, Cromwell started to steam, everything was TOTALLY MAX TO THE EXTREME!!11! They made a bitchingly fantastic team. Cromwell shot laser beams, Meegan unleashed nasty schemes, together they overthrew Ronald's regime. But now the customers began to bawl, they wanted in on the brawl, Cromwell started to get mauled. Meegan leapt up and screamed,


Meegan's powers complied her, everything suddenly exploded into fire. The customer's cholesterol began to boil, it was even worse than getting coated in hot oil (Cromwell approved). The customer's revolt was foiled.

Now all that was left was Ronald McDonald. Cromwell was angry, appalled. He threw Ronald across the room - he landed sprawled. They watched as feebly he crawled. Meegan picked him up by the scruff of his neck. An angry chord set the mood (provided by Jeff Beck).

"Let's find out who you are under that mask", she said, now much calmer.

She took it off and then exclaimed, " OH SWEET POTATOES! It's Jeffrey Dahmer!".

The End

by The Meatlovers

The Grapevine Fires

So, it turns out that my city is sortof burning down right now a little bit which, for the second time in my life, makes this song poignantly appropriate. It is "The Grapevine Fires" by Death Cab for Cutie

I also think this is without any sort of competition, hands down, the best music video I've ever seen.