Wednesday, February 25, 2009

On the Road

I need to go. Like today - to somewhere, to anywhere. Every bit of me is shaking and I wanna go dancing out into that great night and damned be everything else. Damned be school and Damned be life and Damned be the woefully complex technology sucking IT from everyone. Let's all get naked and run in the streets and make love under a veranda and point out the direction with our thumbs for a change and leave everything behind us; let the others clean it up and let it all fade away slowly behind the horizon into the backs of our minds with the setting sun while we claim the night for madness and liberty and then give it all away for free anyways because who needs anything?

I wanna go into the nearest bar and tell a lonely looking girl in the corner to come run away with me and she would, wouldn't you? Crazy eyes and and ethereal energy - contagious craziness. Let's go to the places everyone's forgotten about and then we'll make them remember and everyone will all follow after us and we'll have to just fly further ahead of them all and tic tac back and forth across the continent like a pair of old traveling Hobos from the golden age of freedom. We can go wandering to the tops of the mountains and taste the sky and dance in nature and make the trees and the outdoors and the stars and the universe our home while we swim in the scent of pine needles and fly from peak to peak with the wind in our hair and the moon at our side.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

So, I drove back to school today

And, merely for my own enjoyment, here is a list of CD's that I have seen in every single gas station I have ever gone to,

Nazareth - Greatest Hits
Fleetwood Mac - Rumours
ACDC - For Those About to Rock and Back in Black
Some shitty Kenny Chesney album
Eagles - Greatest Hits
Aerosmith - either Nine Lives or Just Push Play but never both.
Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA

I'm pretty sure that you're not allowed to call yourself a gas station if you're not selling at least one of these albums. Also: Has anybody actually bought a CD from a gas station before? Anybody? Getting a CD at a gas station instead of a music store to me seems like going down to East Hastings to pick up chicks when there's a perfectly good high class nightclub that you're a platinum member of that is packed to the brim with good looking, honest, clean girls every night.

Wal-Mart would be a brothel in this analogy I guess?

Anyways, in conclusion: People who think 'Born in the USA' is a patriotic song need to get stabbed in the liver.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dear Dylan,

It is me - Schoolwork. What's happening? Lately you've been completely ignoring me, you haven't been returning my calls, you've been dodging me in public. And then yesterday I find out you spent 3 hours reading 'On the Road' when I was right there in your backpack just waiting for you in agony to pull me out and maybe flip through a few notebooks, maybe do a few questions. But no, you were with that WHORE Kerouac the whole time weren't you. Sometimes I don't even know why I bother with you. Would it really kill you to maybe review for a test a week early? Maybe to start on assignments a day or two earlier than normal? Well I've got news for you buddy, I'm not gonna stand around and take all this crap anymore. Nope, no more timid passive Schoolwork for you. It's time to straighten things out here good and proper - the way they should be. First things first, absolutely none of this reading for the fun of it until at the very least all of physics has been done. Also: this book you're writing I've heard so much about, Ha! You can forget about her till you can tell me who the hell Franz Boas is and write a proper essay about whatever theory was his.

Love, Schoolwork.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Forever Young

This commercial pisses me off in ways that were hitherto unknown to me. At first, the only thing that really got me was how they were comparing Bob Dylan: poetical mastermind iconic rebel genius with One of those guys from the Black Eyed Peas. What follows is an exercise in pedantic pointlessness but I feel inclined to do it anyways. Let's compare some of the things that these two fine gentlemen have said,

"Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people they're all drinkin' thinkin' that they got it made. Exchanging precious gifts you'd better take a diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe. You used to be so amused by Napoleon in rags and the language that he used. Go to him now you can't refuse, when you ain't got nothing you got nothing to lose"
: "Baby, where'd you get yo body from? Tell me where'd you get yo body from. Baby, where'd you get yo body from? Tell me where'd you get yo body from. I got it from my mama"

"To her, death is quite romantic. She wears an iron vest. Her profession's her religion. Her sin is her lifelessness. And though her eyes are fixed upon Noah's great rainbow. She spends her time peeking into Desolation Row."
"look out where its at I know karma's coming to pay me back. I'm with the sweetest thang that's on the map. I broke her heart in 30 seconds flat. In 30 seconds flat. Now how did I just how did I become that kind of guy to look at girl and lie right in the eye my momma told me willy that ain't right boy now that ain't right"

"In the dime stores and bus stations, People talk of situations, Read books, repeat quotations, Draw conclusions on the wall. Some speak of the future, My love she speaks softly, She knows there's no success like failure and that failure's no success at all."

That's enough of that, quite obviously is inferior in every way imaginable to Dylan. Anyone who doesn't agree with me can kindly go to an artillery range and stand right beside the guns while they go off causing you to suffer sever hearing damage because you don't deserve your ears. Also: Maybe go stand in front of the guns too.

Anyways, that was just the first part I didn't like. The more I watch the commercial the more is wrong about it. The basic message stated at the very end is "Hey, look guys, every generation does their own thing differently and this keeps the world new and exciting and interesting". They try to show this visually by juxtaposing "then and now" images of various things.

Image 1: Then- Dylan putting on sunglasses.

Now- putting on sunglasses.
How is copying something that someone did roughly 40 years ago original fresh and new?

Image 2: Then - Man coming back from Army picks up girl in arms and twirls around.


What the fuck guys? War is not a good thing, war is not 'fresh' picking up your daughter and spinning is what EVERY SOLDIER EVER HAS DONE. War is not 'refreshing'. Seriously Pepsi, do your advertisement people actually think these things through.

Image 3: Then - Skateboarder does a trick

Now - Skateboarder does the same trick but is wearing fuckloads more safety equipment.

Apparently 'refreshing the world' means 'doing exactly the same thing as 30 years ago but with a much less chance of actually hurting myself because pain is bad you guys'. Has everyone's balls dropped off since the seventies?

Image 4: Then - Bruce Lee does martial arts

Now - Some random girl I don't know does martial arts.

This is the first image that actually shows progress. Men and Women are now more equal than they ever have been before. This is supergood stuff. Back in Bruce's day it wouldave been pretty taboo for a woman to do martial arts much less actually get good at it and be able to kick any guys ass. Kudos Pepsi, you're 1/4 so far

Image 5: Then - Lighters held up at a concert

Now - Cell phones held up at a concert

I'm not sure what to think on this one. Are they commenting on how less people smoke? Are they commenting on how much we've developed our technology? It really doesn't matter because holding a cell up at a concert makes you look like a fucking tool. Please don't ever do it. You wouldn't open up a cellphone and put it in your window for a soldier away at war would you? No, no you fucking wouldn't. Cellphones do not equal fire

Image 6 : This one does Dylan and Willy again, just in case you forgot who was singing cause whoah! They're about to switch singers, crazy! Also: Frickin' retarded. This is where the commercial really starts going downhill

Image 7: Then- Surfer on small waves.

Now - Surfer on large waves.

Ummm. I guess we do things bigger now? Or, y'know... maybe they didn't have cameras that were waterproof so all the footage from then had to be taken from the shore where the waves are much smaller?

Image 8: Then: A whole bunch of kids piling into a dirty dishevelled looking hippievan that they most likely all pitched in together to buy so that they could hit the road at any time and see the world around them and just be free.

Now - A whole bunch of kids pile out of what looks to be a fucking Cadillac Escalade (could be wrong, I suck at cars). Most likely bought for one of those snobby rich fucks by their parents because hell, I need a nice car to go down to the beach and sit around all day because LETS ALL HAVE NICE THINGS WITHOUT DOING ANY GODDAMNED WORK.

I think the descriptions of the videos sums up my opinions on those two quite nicely.

Image 9: Then - Guy spraypaints peace sign on the wall

Now - Guy spraypaints peace sign on significantly nicer wall

This one I actually like. It shows how graffiti has come to be accepted as an artform rather than simpleminded vandalism. You're now 2/9 Pepsi.

Image 10 : Then - Gumby

Now - Shrek

You just picked two arbitray iconic kids figures. The only thing they have in common is that they're green. And Gumby is better anyhow (Thanks only to MST3K).

Image 11: Then - Joliet 'Jake' Blues (Aka John Belushi) dancing

Now - Jack Black dancing.

Don't get me wrong, I like Jack Black but musically, comedically, aesthetically, any-ically he has absolutly nothing on John Belushi. Blues Brothers > Tenacious D, Animal House > Any movie Jack Black will has ever made or will ever make

Image 12: Then - People in swimsuits dancing

Now - Some guy breakdancing with a group of people around him not dancing

So what you're saying is that dancing has evolved into something that only one person can do at a time while everyone else has to watch?

Image 13 : Then - A protest (although I have thoughts that this might be JFK's inaugeration)

Now - A protest ( or some other presidents inaugeration)

So, people are still protesting/becoming president. There's nothing refreshing in that. Only frustrating that after so long so many of the same things are still so very wrong in this world.

Image 14: Then - A girl drinking pepsi with a straw

Now - A girl drinking pepsi out of a can

This one's put in here so that you don't forget through all the nostalgia that HEY! Pepsi has been with us through all those new exciting and refreshing times.

Also, the fact that the 'Then' girl is using a straw and the 'Now' girl isnt leads me to believe that girls nowadays do all of their sucking somewhere else.

PS - I hate my generation and how corporatism long ago seized anything 'good' for their own nefarious money making purposes and then bastardized it all into a pile of utter shit and now buries anything remotely good, inventive, ingenious or refreshing under it so that you have to go digging through giant piles of mediocre to mind-numbingly bad crap just to find anything worthwhile and meaningful. Case in point: Conor Oberst.