Thursday, April 23, 2009

Earth Day

So Earth Day was/is sometime near today? At any rate I found this Earth Day Resolution idea on some website that I think is absolutely splendid so I'm going to give it a try and you ought to too. Basically, come up with three things that you could do to make Nature stop thinking that you're a giant dick.

The first thing is something small and easy so you'll totally be able to do it, no worries. The second thing is something that is pretty serious and requires quite a bit of effort. If you find that you can't actually do the second thing it's okay! At least you gave it an honest effort. But if you actually manage to do the second thing then hats off to you man, that's cool. The third thing should be something that you're already doing but you could probably do a better job of.

So anyways, here's my list

1. Stop taking ridiculously long hot showers

2. No eating beef unless I'm absolutely sure it came from a cow that was fed grass and alfalfa and other yummytime healthy cowthings. Corn, soybeans, other assorted grains, pork, an unecessary amount of antibiotics, other cows, and chicken are all things that don't belong inside any of a cow's multiple tummys.

3. I'm gonna remember better to not get stuff put in plastic bags when I'm at stores if it's possible for me to carry them or put them in my pockets. Because pockets are Nature's plastic bags - Also: Jellyfish.

I would also like to take this opportunity to say I just discovered that one of Alan Moore's League of Extraordinary Gentlemen stories has Allen Quartermain and the chick from Dracula teaming up with Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarty in 1958 America (after the fall of Big Brother) to do battle against Doctor Sachs. How fucking cool is that!

This is just further evidence that everything and everyone I'm absolutely in love with is together in some secret backroom having an orgy of artistic inspiration and AWESOMENESS.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

My dreams need a psychiatrist I think probably

I was gonna make a post about how bad music sucks now but that's far too sad. So instead I'M GONNA FREAK OUT CAUSE STUDYING IS SUCH A GIANT DRAG AND DOES WEIRD THINGS TO YOUR BRAIN.

Seriously, it's deadly stuff, I don't recommend it EVER. Last week, I had a nightmare about math. No joke. This math paper that should have only taken a couple hours took like 8 (still not done actually - I have till Monday). So I fell asleep and there were numbers and x's and autonomous equations frickin' everywhere crowding up my brainspace and they were all moaning "solve us" and I was like "Dudes, leave me alone, I wanna sleep" but they wouldn't shut up so I solved a couple and tried to go to sleep and then they started fuckin' biting people and after people got bit they turned into math. "Are you fuckin' kidding me?" I yell out to a landscape plastered with all sorts of scary looking numberish mathy things feasting on the bloodied bodies of dream-people. No, I wasn't fucking kidding me. Turns out my dreams have zombie mathstuffs that need to be solved or they'll just eat ALL THE BRAINS. Brains which, as they were created by my brain, are actually part of my brain. Frickin' math was eating my own brains inside out. It's okay though, cause I grabbed a shotgun. TAKE THAT AUTONOMOUS EQUATIONS! tsch tsch BOOM tsch tsch BOOM! MUAHAHAHAHA! Bastards!

Right now I'm stuck on Physics and Anthropology and I hate them both. Frickin' studying, frickin' exams. I hate all this waiting. I wish I could have all of my exams sometime over the course of the next four days. My brain goes crazy when I have to go over and over and over the same thing forever. Y'know, just in case that math dream wasn't enough of a tip-off.

Actually, I'm a little bit excited for when I have to start studying Matrix Algebra. How awesome are my dreams gonna be then. "NO! You can't disconnect him from the Matrix yet. He isn't in reduced echelon form. His entire body will shut down on him." "Ack, sorry! Maybe you can put me in the Matrix and I'll try some Guassian Elimination to help him out?""You crazy son of a bitch, there's no way you'll make it out alive". My dream ends with me trying to take the inverse matrix and then all of a sudden everyone's underwear is on the outside of their clothes so we pretend to be superheros but then we remember that WE ALREADY ARE SUPERHEROES so instead we just have chocolate cake and I drop a big gooey piece of icing on my underwear and everyone laughs and I'm like "Hey, guys c'mon, I'm the One, stop being so mean" and then they all rememer how much I rocked at solving the Matrix so they all shut the hell up.

Or what about when I have to start studying archaeology? Man, that'll be even frickin awesomer. Maybe I'll study Archaeology and Matrix Algebra at the same time so that way I'll be Indiana Jones except inside of the Matrix trying to stop computer Nazi robots from destroying all of humanity with the Antikythera Mechanism. I'll be all like "I can learn Kung Fu?" but then I'll think about it for a second and be like "Actually, I know it'll only take like 20 seconds to learn but fuck it" and then I'll just shoot the guy in the chest with a revolver instead of doing all those fancy bullettime things. If the bad guy uses that bullettime trick to dodge my bullets I'll just whip him around the throat because WHIPS GO FASTER THAN BULLETS BITCH and then I'll drag him over and shoot him in the face and say something witty like "HA I TOTALLY JUST SHOT YOU IN THE FACE BITCH WHAT NOW". Okay, that needs working on. I'll let you know how it actually goes in my dreamworld.

Man, I have the nerdiest dreams ever. But so badass!

Friday, April 3, 2009

The Biggest Dickhead in the World

Today I found out who the biggest dickhead in the world is. You may have your own idea about who the biggest dickhead in the world is, perhaps you think it's Bush, Cheney, the executives at AIG, Stephen Harper, Bill O'Reilly, or whoever is responsible for jewel CD cases. You would be right in concluding they are dickheads but if you think any one of them is THE BIGGEST DICKHEAD, you are wrong (In all capitals to get my point across). No, the biggest dickhead in the world is Pope Benedict XVI!1$@#&%$@. Why do they still use Roman numerals? Dude doesn't speak Latin.

Anyways, on the surface he appears just to be your typical overly religious bigoted prig. He called Mohammad's teachings evil and said that homosexualism was against nature. This is a typical level of dickheadedness and I would be resoundingly shocked if there ever is a Pope who doesn't believe such things.

Of course, being Pope, he has to win at everything - even being a dickhead. Wracking his brains for something so unbelievably uncomparably dickish to do, he found something. He went to Africa and while adressing a good 30,000 people, he told them that condoms do nothing to help stop the AIDS epidemic and that the African peoples would be much better off without them. Now, I realize that Pope Benedict10000 (dude doesn't know binary either so why not?) doesn't have any formal training in medicine but it doesn't take much of a mental leap to realize a disease that spreads through the contact of bodily fluids could be minimized by a device specially designed to prevent the contact of bodily fluids.

He went on to say that abstinance is a much better alternative which he is technically right about. Only there's that small little bit about human psychology and biology that makes it necessary to fuck. Damn we like to fuck. It'd go against nature to not have sex (ZING!).

So right now he's sitting at a giant level of dickheadedness. Hundreds of thousands of deaths can now be attributed to him (not to mention the thousands of unecessary and unwanted births). But wait, there's more! Turns out, the Pope is a Nazi and I don't mean that He-did-terrible-things-and-Nazis-did-terrible-things-so-therefore-he's-a-Nazi. I also don't mean that he's-a-German-and-Nazis-were-German-so-he's-a-Nazi-LOL!. No, I mean that the guy was legitimately a Nazi. He joined the Hitler Youth. It was mandatory to join. He had no choice. He even skipped out on all the meetings because alot of Nazi activities were "Anti-Christian". What a good testament to his infallible and godlike character. He then worked at an anti-aircraft unit protecting a factory that used slave labour from Dachau to make airplanes. Eventually, he deserted, another testament to his character. Except he didn't desert till August 1945. Guess when the Armistace was signed. AUGUST 1945. He says that he was drafted and that he had no choice.

Fuck you. Fuck you right in your over-glorified asshole with that ridiculous fucking hat until your clogged and mutilated rectum floods your stomach with blood and you start vomiting it up in such vehoumous and powerful gags that your stomach starts ripping itself to pieces and then the blood gets loose and is free to spread internally to every inch of your body and you eventually die of hemorraging. You always have a choice. Even when every part of society is against what you "believe in", there is always a choice. Being passive and going with the crowd is no excuse. If you truly gave every inch of yourself to your "beliefs" you would have found a way to disengage yourself from the Nazis. Would they have killed you? Most definitely. But at least if they killed you, you couldn't be held accountable for the actions of the Nazis. How many slaves died working in that factory you guarded? How many of them got a nice steamy shower when they became too undernourished and weak to keep on working? How many of the planes built there were apart of the Blitzkrieg? All of it, your fault.

Also: I'm holding you and only you as personally responsible for the death of Anne Frank. If a 16-year old girl can understand that something is horribly wrong with her country than I expect that the future Pope would. Actually, it would do the world good if her book replaced the Bible.

In conclusion: Pope Benedict(The third root of 4096) = The Worlds Biggest Dick.

PS - He even looks like Senator Palpatine

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Things I don't understand and probably never will:

1. Laws. We have way too many of them. I propose that all laws be boiled down to the simplistic, yet effective "Don't be dicks, okay you guys". And don't tell me this is childish, naive, utopian and impossible. I have a rather effective and realistic system for enforcing this law inside of my brain and one day I might introduce you to it but right now it's really shy and new people scare it so much that it piddles all over the carpet. BAD IDEA! LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!

2. Marriage. I don't see any symbolic representation of love with marriage - which, I assume is the reason why people get married (ideally). All I see is an unnecessary amount of paperwork and hassle so that the government can marginalize and control something that can only be understood by the two people doing it. Oh, and believe me, they'll be doing it wink wink nudge nudge. Frankly I don't want a file on me locked away in some cabinet in the basement of some lonely dark building that says "DUDE! CHECK OUT THE CHICK THAT BRECK IS TOTALLY BANGING. SWEET DEAL!". The only way I'll ever marry someone is if they happen to be a really really close friend who also happens to be foreign and also happens to be currently in the deportation process.

3. Birthdays. Yeah, that's right. I just referenced myself. Meta is the new cool. Probably because I'm so cool. I'm gonna go meta till I hit infinity and then he'll be all like "Owwwww, why would you be tho MEAN too me *cries*". For some reason I picture infinity as having a flamboyantly gay accent. I'm not sure why. Also: Did anyone else watch that kids show "MedaBots"? If so, were you as disappointed as me when you found out that it wasn't about robots made by robots.

4. Eating meat. From a purely logical standpoint, I don't understand it. From a purely satisfaction standpoint, however, HOLYCRAPYUMMY! Seriously though, the current way our food production system works is a giant waste of resources. To make a pig that feeds 10 people requires enough energy to feed 100 people and that's a ballpark figure (read: low). Mathematically, meat always loses and we all know how much I enjoy math. We also all know how much I enjoy a nice plump juicy barbecued steak.

To be fair though, if all farms were run like this one it would be a waste to not eat meat because the animals each play their own critical role in a delicate self sufficient eco-system just like how nature intended. If Jurassic Park taught me one thing it was 'stay out of the long grass'. Oh, and also 'don't fuck with nature unless you want 7.5 tons of Theropod chowing down on the tires of your overturned car like they were Ho Hos'.

5. Airport/border security. Guy's, if people want to blow things up inside of your country or sell drugs, there is absolutey nothing you can do to stop them. Last I checked Capitalism = Personal Freedom. Sacrificing freedom for an illusion of safety is never an acceptable option. This one actually goes back to number one. Don't be dicks, you guys. People who blow shit up = Dicks. Airport/border security = dicks. Guys who sell drugs = debatabley not dicks just as long as they're not selling to idiot kids who don't know better. I for one, would be much more satisfied in a world that was a little bit more dangerous but a whole hell of alot more free.