Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Dear Cleaning Ladies/Security Guards,

Turn the oven off one more time when I'm trying to cook something. I fucking dare you . I know there's that whole "DO NOT LEAVE COOKING UNATTENDED" policy you've got for the kitchens but seriously, fuck you. You wanna know who sits staring at an oven for half an hour waiting for their food to cook? Fucking no one; Not me, not you, and not anyone ever. Frankly, I've got better shit to do. That's what's wonderful about ovens too, as opposed to frying, or boiling, or barbecuing, you can go away for twenty minutes and not have to worry about completely fucking up your food and starting a fire.

Do you even look inside the oven to see if someone's trying to cook something? Or do you just notice that it's on and that no one's in the room so then you turn it off? Do you realize that we've invented robots that are better at critical thinking than that? Fucking robots - pieces of machinery whose every possible action is deadset in lines of code - have a better ability to evaluate a situation and choose the proper course of action than you do? Here, let me show you:


if oven is on
   look inside
else leave kitchen
       if there is food
          inspect food
       else turn oven off
              if food is burning
                 turn oven off
              else leave oven on
              end
       end
end


Holy fucking shit. Twelve lines of code is a more intelligent human being than you are. That's pretty fucking pathetic.

2 comments:

  1. Hee. So angry. You should set a trap for them- just kind of lurk around a corner until someone comes along to shut it off, and then jump out and yell something rude at them. And then put a picture of yourself opposite the wall to the oven, tell them that you ARE watching the oven, and leave. I don't think they'd know what to do with that.

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  2. Set a trap. Go all Hansel and Gretal on their asses man.

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