But it's 1:40 am and I'm just going to be lying wide awake for at least another hour if I try. That's the way it's been for the last few nights anyhow. I've never gotten enough sleep but that's not really an issue for me, I'm used to it. The fact that I can't sleep when I try to is worrysome. I'm not even slipping into that half hazy little not-reality world that comes before sleep. That place where I remember things that might not even have happened. Has that ever happened to you? Remembering things that never actually happened? My thoughts are too sporadic and jumpy - definitely not a continuous function. Sometimes I can't keep up with them and everything gets all blurry and I don't understand anymore. That's what trying to sleep has been like lately. Blurry. It seems like I'm asleep but really I'm just pretending and there's no real sleeping going on but I don't know how to fix it.
Maybe I'm only imagining that I'm pretending to sleep and I'm actually asleep the whole time. Those are the kind of thoughts that I could lose sleep over. Frick. Maybe I could train myself not to sleep, that would solve so many of my problems.
I can't seem to be at ease lately - though I've never been at ease now that I think about it. It'd be nice if our minds had an off switch wouldn't it? Sometimes I think about how I have to spend my entire life listening to myself constantly going on and on and on about stuff like this inside of my head and it makes me wanna go crazy.
I don't think people should call me genius - even if they think it's true. I'm absolutely positive that they're wrong. They just don't know me as good as I do is the problem. Largely, I'm just a pretentious smartass who pretends to know everything. I think I do a pretty good job of pulling it off but that doesn't make me genius - it makes me a pretentious smartass who pretends to know everything and does a pretty good job pulling it off.
Wikipedia says that anxiety causes sleep disorders. I don't think I'm anxietous. Paranoid, confused, overwhelmed, yes but anxietous, no. Being overwhelmed has always worked well for me anyways. I can't get anything done unless there's some sort of chaos pushing on me from every side.
"People with symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder tend to always expect disaster and can't stop worrying about health, money, family, work or school."
Okay so I definitly don't have anxiety - like I thought. Health, money, family, work and school are the things I worry about the least (read: never). All that general life stuff doesn't bother me one bit. And I don't expect disastor, I just wait patiently for it. What do I worry about actually?
Lately I've been saying the things that I normally leave in my head, the things I don't say until I'm in my sleepy not-reality. It's going well I think. There was one time where it got maybe slightly awkward I think maybe but I'm not sure. Maybe that's why things are mixed up right now? Maybe I just invent things like this to keep my mind occupied with itself lest it become bored and realize what a waste of time everything is?
I think the nighttime is trying to kill me but I still like it better than anything else. I never have thoughts like these during the day. I used to hate the nighttime for it but then I realized that this was just its weird little way of trying to be friends. Kindave like an inside joke.
Well, now that I sound certifiably crazy I'm gonna go and try to sleep. You can come cuddle if you want. G'night.
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